Here’s the short answer: There is no wrong time to call a death doula.
It’s not like calling 911, and it’s not like going to the emergency room – there aren’t a lot of rules and regulations you will be expected to have met. It really isn’t even necessarily about death, although that is a part of what death doulas attend to. A doula, by definition, is one who serves, guides, and companions not just at the time of death, but in all the time before death occurs, and then serves the family and loved ones after death as well.
“Death Doula” a misnomer, really, because death doulas are really mostly about life.
- What kind of life do you want to have between now and when you die?
- What is most important to you about the time you have, and how do you wish to ensure your values and wishes are honored?
- What do you most want your loved ones to remember about you, and how can you ensure they know everything you want them to before you die?
- How do you want your family and friends to be there for you as you experience the life you have left to live?
- What unfinished business do you have in relationships that you want to address so that you can feel peace?
- What, and how, do you most wish that you and your loved ones could communicate with each other?
- What do you care about most in the final months, weeks, days of your life – longevity, comfort, connection, emotional support, family support?
- How do you navigate all the available services – medical/palliative/hospice care as well as caregivers – to ensure all of your needs are being met during the time you have?
- How do you talk to your loved ones about what is happening to you in a way that they can understand?
All of these questions, and so many more, have to do with how to go about life and living while we are still here to do it. Being prepared for the end of our lives doesn’t have to, and in my mind shouldn’t, wait until our time is running out. Preparing for the end of our lives is what can free us now to feel assured that, when that time does come, we can face it with a sense of peace that we have done all we can to ease the transition for ourselves but also for our loved ones.
Often, folks reach out for doula support when they have received a terminal diagnosis, or when a previously chronic illness has reached a critical stage and their medical providers have said that there isn’t much more that can be done to extend their lives. This is a scary time, and doulas can offer emotional and other non-medical support early on to help people adjust to this news. This is a scary time for family members as well, and doulas are also skilled at sitting with loved ones and facilitating conversation so that everyone can feel heard and supported. Because a lot of what death doulas do is about all the space in between now and when we die,
the more time we have to prepare, the better. Engaging with a death doula doesn’t start the existential clock ticking – obviously it’s ticking already for all of us – but it does help guide and direct how that time passes, and it helps us to ensure that what needs to get done, gets done.
Many people know they need to fill out those mysterious forms we get asked about every time we go to the doctor or a hospital, right? We answer “Oh no, I haven’t got a living will yet, but I definitely intend to fill one out!” And then we don’t. Or we think, “My spouse and my kids know what I want – I’m sure they can handle those decisions if I’m unable to.” And in reality, we don’t even want to think about what ‘those decisions’ are right now, so we don’t.
Death doulas can help with this, too, and you don’t even have to be ill or dying. In fact, this is something that all of us should do when we are healthy – before we need it. Many offer special packages of two or three hours time at a discount in which they will sit down with you, and your loved ones if preferred, and guide you through the process of getting these forms completed, helping you with all of the nuances of ‘those decisions’ so that when/if the time comes, your loved ones and your doctors will know exactly what you want to happen. This is also a good way to get to know a death doula, and to find out that we are just people, too, people who have to do the same kinds of things to prepare for the ends of our lives, and all the spaces in between.
If you are interested in getting to know this particular death doula, I’d be more than happy to sit down with you, at no charge, and to explore with you how I might assist you and your loved ones when the time is right for you.
