Here’s the short-and-to-the-point description of the role of a death doula:
We provide non-medical, holistic support to individuals nearing the end of life and their families, offering emotional, spiritual, and practical guidance to make the dying process more peaceful, meaningful, and comfortable.
What is a Death Doula?
Here’s the what-does-that-look-like-in-real-life description…
- A doula sits with you, listens, cares, guides, sometimes talks, sometimes doesn’t.
- A doula holds your fears, anxieties, anger, regret, confusion, and anything else you don’t want to be alone with for as long as you need them to.
- A doula stands alongside you, walks the journey with you as much as they can for as long as they can – and as long as you want or need.
- A doula walks your dog when your dog-walker is sick, and brings you a cup of tea if you want one, or calls your grandkids to remind them you’d love a visit, or mentions to your pesky neighbor who keeps ringing the doorbell that you really appreciate their concern but need some privacy at this time.
- A doula helps you complete those advanced directives everyone asks if you’ve completed (but you haven’t yet) so that you are in charge of what will happen to you when you can’t say it out loud.
- A doula also sits with your loved ones, explains what is happening to you, and helps them to know how to be with you and support you as well as supporting themselves and each other. After you are gone, a doula can help your loved ones to find support for their grief.
- A doula accompanies you wherever and however you wish to travel on this journey, and makes sure that you drive the bus so you have the life, and death, that you plan for.
- A doula works with you to review the chapters of your life, if you choose to, and to create legacy gifts, letters, or mementos for your loved ones to keep and cherish.
- A doula helps to coordinate loved ones, volunteers, or other caregivers to ensure your needs are met without gaps in care, even ensuring a constant vigil presence during your last days if you want that.
- A doula advocates for you with your medical providers, hospice staff, caregivers, even family members if needed to ensure your wishes and values are respected.
- A doula helps you to create a peaceful space in which to die, with people and surroundings that bring you comfort and meaning.
- A doula will be inquisitive and respectful about your own cultural background, values, and religious or spiritual beliefs instead of imposing their own, and will honor and uphold those values during your journey.
- A doula can intervene with difficult family situations to enable loved ones to work together and to focus on what is most important during your end-of-life journey.
- A doula will welcome all of the thoughts and emotions that you hold inside and may feel you can’t share with your loved ones because you don’t want to “burden them,” but doulas can also help you and your loved ones to talk openly with each other because its likely you are holding many similar thoughts and emotions.
- A doula will help you to create an Ethical Will – a document to pass along to your loved ones that helps them to remember who you are, what you believe and stand for, what you value, and what you hope and dream for their lives as well as how you wish for them to remember you.
- A doula might help you find a lost relationship, or two, that you feel might need some mending, and then help you to do that so that you can find peace with any unfinished business from your past.
In other words, you and your doula can explore your needs and wishes together to determine what would be the most helpful to you and then to help you accomplish that, not only at the end of your life but in the time in between.
If that list feels pretty expansive and made-to-order, that’s kind of how it works – it’s up to you to decide what you need. If it helps, here is also a list of things that doulas generally do not do:
- A doula won’t judge you, your beliefs, your values, or anything about you. They won’t make assumptions or impose their own beliefs or values.
- A doula won’t provide medical interventions or assistance, or administer medications. Doulas work in harmony and conjunction with hospice or palliative care providers by providing non-clinical emotional and holistic support.
- A doula won’t influence or make decisions for you, and won’t ‘take charge’ of any of your affairs or provide legal advice or assistance.
- A doula won’t act or speak on your behalf without your consent.
- A doula won’t provide therapy or grief counseling, but will help you and your family to find resources for licensed professionals when needed.
If any of this sounds as though it may be beneficial to you or a loved one, it is worth reaching out to a few doulas in your area – many will offer complimentary consultations to explore your situation, your needs and wishes, and to allow you to see if what they offer, and who they are, is a good fit for you.
